The Knitting Fiend

Some readers are aware that I subscribe to KF (KnitFlame), a Yahoo groups email list.

There are those who tell me it’s a waste of time. Absolutely true. But, I can say this: If you enjoy deep irony, it is the most amusing list on the web.

Likely as not, it is the list’s amusement value of that has attracted 1509 members; the overwhelming majority lurk and never post. Why did they join? Who knows? But maybe they joined to laugh at the sophomoric antics of the regulars.

What might they laugh at? Well, let’s examine a recent exchange.

A KF regular posted an amazingly long winded (yet somehow pathetic and lamentable) story about not wining an ugly car while getting her car oil changed.

The length of the post raised the eyebrows of a knitflame lurker friend of mine. Noticing, the spectacular length and rather unremarkable content of the post she scrolled down, down, down to the bottom, read the poster’s sig line, and emailed me, saying:

Okay, who is this Constance person who posted on KF about the car dealership? Sounds suspiciously like the pain-in-the-#$@¹ who always posted endless stories about knitting at her kids’ school on KL.

I clicked the link to knitflame, skimmed the incredibly long post and replied to my friend. I observed the horrifyingly long story was posted by a long time KF regular; I stated this opinion:

The correct responses to that post are:

1. Get a blog.
2. …²

Oh.. now I’m going to have to read what people DID respond!

Now, those of you who do not subscribe to knitflame are probably not aware that one of the perennial topics on knitflame is:

“Subscribers to other knitting lists are idiots who constantly post ridiculously long posts to email lists resulting in boredom and irritation for huge number of knitters everywhere. These moronic knit-dweebs should stop clogging our inboxes, filling up email lists with drivel and quit aggravating the superior, high IQ knitters of KnitFlame. The cretins should get blogs.”

So, one might think Constance, a KF regular, would be flamed for posting a truly amazingly long post about not winning an ugly car while having her oil changed. Right?

Well, indeed she was, by a relatively newbie who snarked :

Holy cr#@³ that was long. I think maybe you meant to post this to your blog. Dawn

[applause]Dawn![/applause]

If you are not a member of KnitFlame, you will be surprised by what happened next! Yet, it was entirely predictable if we examine the third bullet in the official KF rulebook⁴ entry on rules about long winded posts.

Oh, you don’t know the rules? Here they are, interlaced with the story:

1. Long winded personal stories posted on any other list are always idiotic and properly merit flaming.
2. If a newbie, or relative newbie, posts a long winded personal story to knitflame, the newbie is idiotic and merits flaming.
   – The newbie will be flamed.
   – If the newbie defends herself, she is accused of being a troll and flamed further.
   – If the newbie defends herself further, someone comments on the grammar, style or spelling of her posts.
   – Regulars will jump in, adding more flames. These extremely clever “me too” flames will include use of the “F” word.

3. If a regular who joined in 2001 posts a craptactularly long personal story about her oil change to knitflame, her post is a sign of true genius, decreed brilliant and is to be applauded in all ways.
   – No true KF regular will flame the regular.
   – If a newbie who does not understand the rule flames the regular, the newbie will be flamed. Often by no caps cindy who will begin her flame with “and, who the f&@%⁵ are you?” Cindy may also accuse the newbie of being a troll.
   – If the newbie defends herself, other regulars will jump in to add their “me too” flames. These “me too” flames by regulars are often demonstrate the regulars well developed language skills, criticizing the newbie’s comments on their poor grammar, spelling, or in some cases, writing style. (Here, the newbie who responded to Cindy’s flame is criticized for not spelling out the “F” word.)
   – The regular who posted the original nearly endless story will suggest the newbie should use the delete key. (A policy knitflamers seem incapable of following when reading other lists. )
   – The regular may insinuate the newbie should or will quit the list as a result of the thorough flaming.
   –Lurkers, and those who joined to observe the high jinx of the true inner circle of KF regs will check, and discover the newbie is still subscribed. (This will warm our hearts.)

For the record, it appears to be the policy of KnitFlame that all regulars on knitflame, particularly those who are in the “true inner circle of KF” are brilliant, witty, insightful, entertaining and know a whole heck of a lot about knitting! This policy results in rule #4:

4. A true KF regular must never notice that book publishers have not approached any of the most brilliant regulars to write books or newspaper columns.

1. Edited to maintain the “G” rating of this blog.
2. Second response edited as irrelevant to discussion.
3. Edited once again to maintain “G” rating.
4. There is no official rule book. One must inferr the rules by joining and observing the behavior; then one is advised to conform.
5. Edited to maintain the “G” rating .