The Knitting Fiend

Knitting Fiend’s log, Sept. 15, 2005. September 15, 2005.

The Diabolical Knitters of the greater Naperville - Downers Grove - Aurora vicinity met at 7 p.m. on September 15, 2005. This is a loosely allied group of demons, who cooperate in subversive underground knitting activities the likes of which may not be discussed in such venues as “Knitflame” or “KBTHOF”¹. Their motto is: “We knit what we want, finish our projects and wear them!”

This article is a compilation of my observations of this dastardly cell taken during the course of the evening.

Addicted readers of “Knitflame” and “KBTHOF” will surely recognize the the name of this knitting demon: Gail.

The cell under observation discussed Gail’s day, which included some aggravating events and resulted in a severe headache; see photo below left. However, she found a new yarn shop, which cheered her up; see photo below right.

Gail is working on “The Sweater of Infinite Boringness”, which she hopes will be completed soon.

Those who might wonder, “Could this knitter truly be a demon?” I respond only with this is ” She is ‘The Infamous Gail’. Yes that Gail.” Need I say more?

To prove the diabolical credentials of the group, one of the knitters was working on a poncho. Not only did she knit a poncho, but she knit it out of Lion Brand Yarn. Not only did she knit it with Lion Brand, but used a Lion Brand pattern. Not only did she use their pattern, but she finished the garment and modeled it. Not only did she finish, but it actually fits in the shoulders as a result of shoulder darts.

The horrifying process and the garment it spawned are illustrated above.

(Knitflamers and KBTHOFers take heed. Neither she, nor the any of the other diabolical knitters give a hoot if you think she should have knit a Faroese Lace shawl out of cobweb fine yarn so she could dress up and prance around town looking like a younger version of Stevie Nicks. Note also, the poncho fits around the shoulder. This is the result of shoulder darts. You could chart up a similar poncho in a slightly different gauge using the calculator here. )

Notice the demonic knitter in blue is in no way distracted from her knitting while her fellow demon models the diabolical poncho, (see above left). I observed this knitter closely; she proved her credentials by actually finishing a mitten, and silently switching to a new project. All without drawing undue attention to her non-felonious use of bamboo DPN’s.

All the while, the knitter pictured above right worked intently on a multicolor afghan. She may look saintly sweet, but I saw several signs of demonic possession. First, like the first knitter wearing stripes, she garbed herself in blue. Second, her sweater was hand knit, finished nicely, and it fits. Finally, she revealed the true nature of her possession. She was knitting the afghan out of stash yarn, without following any pattern!

These three traits are enough to prove her alliance with other knitting demons.

But, there is more. I was horrified to notice the afghan contained a variety of stitch patterns using knit-purl combinations; the chosen pattern changed as she switched color Surely, this innocent looking knitter uses each color to represents a sinner and the knit-purl morse code to record their sins.

Proof positive this kindly looking knitter is, in reality, a reincarnation of Madame DeFarge!

At the table, I witnessed yet another another knitter, also wearing blue. I now recognized this as a sure sign of some demonic alliance and looked closely to detect additional symptoms.

This knitter had a polite, pleasant demeanor, but had the gall to wear a finished object which fit, flattered her figure, didn’t show any evidence of mistakes, and was nicely seamed and finished. Want more proof? Her sweater is currently fashionable but not traditional!

Still not enough to prove her infamy? The yarn was not 100% natural; it contained acrylic. Surely only a demon would smile sweetly while wearing an expertly knit sweater that is neither an aran, nor gansey, nor a fair-isle knit from pure 100% wool imported from the Hebrides.

I close this log, with certain knowledge the mere existence of this cheerful cell of knitters must cause the traditional knitters of KBTHOF countless sleepless nights!²

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1. Both Knitflame and KBTHOF are yahoogroups email lists with very little formally moderating; I believe they like to consider themselves “self policing”. I belong to both, often laugh at the posts, and occasionally post. Both have discussed Gail recently; speculations about her activities currently appear at KBTHOF.
2. You may read about last week’s meeting at Knitter Gail; you can read about a recent excursion to obtain materials used to practice their diabolical arts at Passion Knit